So in less than a week, the Universe has slammed me with all kinds of negative bullshit. Between ridiculousness at work, finding out I was cheated on, getting dumped because my ex “didn’t want to be with me” (well obviously, you fucked someone else…), and finding out today that I have MRSA on my arm so I can’t go to work, it’s just been hit after hit after hit.
The old me would’ve immediately dove face first into the first bottle of booze I could find. I would use alcohol as a buffer to make the pain and frustration subside. Even my mom said that her and my dad were worried that this was going to spiral me downward. Surprise guys, it didn’t. I’ll be honest, after I found out on Thursday, my first instinct was to go straight to a bar with no intention of being gentle to myself. But then I stepped back and thought, “What the hell are you doing Lauren? You’ve worked so hard for over a month to get sober and focus on being more positive and happy. Why would you throw that away over someone who doesn’t care about you enough to at least tell you straight up that they cheated on you, let alone someone who’s willing to cheat on you?” I immediately realigned my train of thought and stayed sober.
I can’t even begin to describe how hurt and heartbroken I am, but mostly, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in him for doing to me the same thing his ex did to him that had him all torn up for a long time. I’m disappointed with him for not just telling me and being honest, although his excuse was he “didn’t want to make me more depressed” and “there just wasn’t a good time.” Well duh, there’s never a good time to drop that fucking bomb on someone. But mostly, I’m disappointed in myself for not seeing it. I’ve known for awhile something was up with him, but I chose to try to be positive and not be cynical and of course, it bit me in the ass.
I definitely feel like this is a huge part of my recovery though. I mean we met in a bar and I was trashed that night. We drank together, often and usually a pretty good amount. He said a few weeks ago that our relationship was based on “drinking, fucking, and funny jokes.” Which I mean that’s swell and all, but I’ve never felt that way about our relationship. I sincerely and truly cared about him. Ok that’s a lie, I sincerely and truly CARE about him. But if that’s all he feels about our relationship, I can’t and don’t want to be with someone like that. I want to be with someone who values our relationship and every aspect of it. I want to be with someone who will support me and really give a shit about me. I want to be with someone that if I’m up and they’re down, we work together to bring the other up. A relationship takes team work, and unfortunately I was the only person on the team playing. I also want to be with someone who’s willing to work together when there are problems, not just turn around and do something shitty.
I hate to say it but this whole situation really has affected me. There are plenty of negative things about it, obviously, but there are positives too. This now gives him the opportunity to battle whatever demons he’s got going on without taking me out in the process. Because that’s something that he has to do on his own. I can be there to help him and encourage him, but he has to be the one to battle and come to terms with them. But it also gives me the opportunity to focus on myself, work, school, and sobriety and not waste time focusing on mending a broken relationship that’s one-sided anyway.
By now, the old me would’ve spent the last few days so unbelievably fucked up I probably couldn’t have even told you my name. I would’ve likely just not shown up to work, been face first in my pillow, morbidly depressed, and probably contemplating slitting my own throat. And while I’m still sad about what happened, I’m fine and I know I will continue to be fine. I don’t feel those horrible feelings that drunk Lauren would have. I’m going to allow myself the time to feel sad and hurt by it, but I’m not going to dwell on it and I’m going to learn from it. I’ve learned what I’m willing to take and what I’m not, and I’ve learned that I can stay sober even when shit gets rough. I’ve learned that there is always positives and everything can be used as a learning experience.
This now gives us the opportunity to work solely on ourselves. So at the end of the day, he can make himself happy, whether that’s with or without me. And I can be happy with myself and what I’m doing.
Not to mention, a part of recovery is weening out the negativity in your life, whether it’s alcohol, drugs, people, whatever. So I guess this is a huge part of recovery because the people that don’t truly support my recovery and sobriety are quickly weening themselves out and I really haven’t had to do much to make it happen. While it may hurt, every day of recovery is a milestone. And I’m happy to be where I’ve ended up.