Well my 37th day of sobriety didn’t go exactly as planned. I had planned to get up, drink too much coffee, sit around with my dogs until I had to go to work, work a little, then come home and go back to hanging out with my dogs. Nice day, right?
Fuck was I wrong.
A friend from work called me to get lunch. She told me she needed to talk to me. Hi I’m Lauren, and I have anxiety like a motherfucker. Guess who’s stomach immediately went into knots? This kid’s.
So I meet her for lunch and she proceeds to tell me about how one of the other girls at work saw my boyfriend making out with a girl we work with, Leah. Of course at this point, I’m shaking and about .2 seconds away from a full blown anxiety attack in the middle of a Mexican restaurant during lunch time. You know how there’s a time and place for everything? This was not the fucking time or place… By any means.
I’m not one to sugar coat things or beat around the bush, so I text him and asked “Did something happen with Leah? If so, what?” And he responded with a simple, “Yes.” And I asked what happened, because clearly I’m a glutton for punishment, to which he responds with everything and a whole bunch of excuses as to why it happened.
A week before I got sober, he kicked me out because he couldn’t deal with me being belligerently drunk constantly. Honestly, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to deal with a hurricane like that either. But in that same week, I told him that I would continue to fight for us and do what was necessary to make things right. This was about the time I realized and came to terms with the fact that I’m an alcoholic and I have a drinking problem. It’s kind of hard not to realize when you’re face-first in the sand of rock bottom contemplating pulling the trigger. And in that same week, he fucked someone else.
I won’t lie, I called my roommate who was at a bar and asked if I could meet him there? Thankfully he said no. And so when I got home, I contemplated seeing how much booze I could down before he got home and could stop me. Guess what I didn’t do? Either. I went in my room and talked to my best friend about all of it.
I felt so unbelievably shitty, so used and heartbroken, so full of self-loathing, running back and forth in my mind when I drove him to that point. And I can honestly say that guess what… For once, this isn’t my fault. If someone is going to cheat on you, regardless of their “reason,” they’re going to do it. And of course I thought about if I would ever be happy with someone like I was with him when we first started dating, before he started getting upset that I was shit-faced on a Tuesday afternoon for no reason other than I was bored. And I came to a conclusion about that…
Sobriety and happiness aren’t things you hope for… Sobriety and happiness are things you WORK for (Insert muscly arm emoji multiples times).
I don’t need to sit here and wonder if I’ll be happy without him, because I already am. I’m very happy with myself and my life. And things may not be exactly how I want them to be, but I’ve set myself up for success so I can thrive and not only achieve my goals, but blow past them ten fold. For once, I can honestly and openly say, I am sincerely happy with myself. And I’m happy because I worked for it. I worked to get myself sober and escape from a the vicious cycle alcohol had thrown me into. I worked to become more positive and have a better outlook on life. Because once I was finally clear-headed, I realized that I have so much more than a lot of people will ever have. I don’t have a reason to be miserable, depressed, and glued to a bar stool.
I don’t need him and I never have.
I didn’t need him for a place to live, although I stayed with him. I stayed there because I wanted to, I didn’t need to. I had a place I was renting and paying for on my own. I’ve never asked him for help financially, because I don’t need him for that. I pay my own bills, buy my own groceries (and for a good while, his and his son’s), I pay for what I want or need because that’s just how I am. I don’t need him to make me happy because I’ve learned to do that on my own. I don’t fucking need him for anything, I never have and I never will.
I’m proud of myself. I don’t need someone who doesn’t truly support me, my sobriety, and my goals in my life. And I’m going to continue to make myself proud time and time again by achieving my goals and accomplishing great things by working hard at them, and working hard to stay sober and happy.
So at the end of a day that normally would’ve had me blacked out by 2PM, I stayed sober. I can only hope that you work to stay happy and sober too.