I’m not sure about anyone else, but for the last almost 10 years, I have felt completely lost. I thought I knew what I wanted and that I could achieve that. But alcohol led me astray and away from the goals I thought were what I wanted.
Now that I’m digging my way out of rock bottom, I’m being forced to ask myself, “Ok Lauren, what do you really want?”
My boyfriend asked me what I wanted out of life on the first night we hung out sober. My response? “As long as my dogs are fed and happy and I have beer in the fridge, I’m content.”
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GOAL IS THAT!? So you mean to tell me that you could be living under a bridge, starving, with absolutely nothing but dog food and beer, and that’s ok? That’s not a life at all. That’s literally just being a decent dog parent and a waste of space.
So here’s the list I’ve come up with of both long term and short term goals of things I want out of life:
- Of course for my dogs to be happy, safe, fed, and healthy. That’s kind of a given though.
- A roof over my head, but preferably one that is my own. I’ve bounced around from friend’s house to friend’s house. I’ve moved eight times in the last two years, some of which were within a couple months of each other. I want my own place, whether it’s an apartment or a house, I want it to be mine and my dogs and that’s it. Plus if it’s my own place, I can decorate it with all the dog stuff I want and no one can say shit.
- A job in my career field. This one I basically already have, but unfortunately I end up playing maid the majority of the time instead of actually learning how to do my job. And hungover Lauren let that happen. I’m really good at taking out trash and re-stocking, but that’s not teaching me anesthetic protocol or how to properly take radiographs without someone helping me. So my goal is to stop being a maid and start truly being a Veterinary Assistant and learning how to be a badass at my job.
- To pay off my debts. You name the debt and I’ve got it. I have student loan debt up to my eyeballs and no degrees. I have credit card debt that could’ve easily been paid off by now, but instead I chose to blow that money on booze for the last few years. I figured, “hey, the debt collection agencies are just going to blow up my phone but they aren’t going to actually do anything.” Well now my credit is fucked and I’m stuck trying to fix it. Thanks Drunk Lauren, you’re awesome. I owe money to friend’s for lending me money when I had none. So my goal is to reasonably, but surely, pay off those debts.
- And finally, to finish off school. I’m taking classes online, studying Veterinary Technology. When I graduate, I’ll have my AA in VT but I’ll also be a certified Vet Tech. Which may sound stupid because I’m already a Veterinary Assistant, but wouldn’t you rather be able to say that you finished school and became certified in your profession? Because I know I would.
What I’ve realized is that alcohol put all of my goals and things I wanted to accomplish on the back burner. In the midst of chasing my next hangover, I got lost and didn’t know which path to take. Mostly because I was too drunk to read any of the signs on my way to rock bottom. So which paths do I take to uncoil this mess and get myself on track. I know the biggest path I’ve already chosen is sobriety.
Getting sober has given me the clarity and insight to step back and see what my goals are and what I need to do to accomplish them. Of course most of them revolve around money, but I have to remind myself that the money I want to make to achieve those goals already exists, I just have to work hard and earn it.
While these goals definitely tip toe all over my anxiety and make me worry I won’t ever be able to achieve them, at least I can say that I know what roads I need to take. And achieving those goals is a huge driver to stay sober. Even if it’s just one reason to stay sober every day, it’s still a good reason.
When I figure out exactly what roads I need to take, I’ll let you know. But until then, I know I’m on at least one road that is headed in the right direction: Sobriety.