Who are you, again?

So it’s officially be 30 days.

30 days of damage control. 30 days of trying to better myself. 30 days of shooing away the little black cloud that follows me. 30 days of damage control. But most importantly, 30 days of sobriety.

The last 30 days have been an absolute fucking rollercoaster. On January 17th, 2017, I hit rock bottom for the last time and made the decision to get sober. And from that moment on, it was basically do or die.

I’m not really sure when drinking became a problem for me. It went from being just a fun and exciting thing we shouldn’t have been doing with a group of my friends all sipping Bacardi out of a water bottle after Homecoming, to waking up with a hangover so bad I thought my eyes were going to bleed, wondering how things got this bad.

Regardless of when it happened, it became a problem. Somewhere around the time I started compulsively lying to my family about how much and how often I was drinking, it was a problem. Or when I thought it was ok to cheat on my then-boyfriend because I was too drunk to even comprehend what I was doing, it was a problem. Or all of the times I was late to work, still drunk from the night before, or just didn’t show up, it was a problem. Or the times that I thought it was acceptable behavior to do drugs with no regard to what it would do to my body because I was too depressed from drinking for more than 12 hours straight, it was a problem. Or the two different times that I wound up in jail because I thought it was ok to drive shit-faced without ever thinking that I could put someone else’s life in danger, it was a problem. There were so many red flags before any of those things happened, I was simply too drunk to see them.

So now here I am, 30 days sober, and trying to clean up almost 10 years worth of damage that my alcoholic side caused. I’ve been spending the last 30 days working relentlessly to mend damaged relationships, find a more positive outlook on life, and figure who the hell I am. That sounds super cliche, but when you spend almost 10 years shoved face-first into a bottle of God knows what, you very quickly lose track of who you are and what you stand for.

But this is where this blog comes in. I plan to use it to keep track of the millions of thoughts that run through my now sober brain, to document each day sober, and to hopefully inspire someone that it’s completely possible to unglue themselves from a barstool, get control of their life again, and not feel so lost and lonely along the way. Because if there’s one thing I learned very quickly, it’s that sobriety is a very lonely room to sit in.

Just a forewarning though, I’m not a blogger nor will I ever call myself one. I’m a writer, not a great one, but a writer nonetheless. Any pictures I use will be my own, and probably of my dogs. And at some point, you’re bound to read a bad word at least once or twice.

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